I new thing that I am doing...whenever some random thing that I want to share pops into my head this is where I will share it.
12/21/2011: Today I found out my friend died, she was smart and beautiful but not as strong as we all thought. My friend killed herself because she thought she had no other option ... she came from money, she was well educated, and well traveled but not even all of that could give her the happiness and the fulfillment that she needed to continue living, my friend took her own life. I am both angry and sad about it, angry at her for not thinking about all of us who loved her, for not seeking us out when she needed to feel loved and I am sad that she was so unhappy in life that she felt her only escape was to end it. My life sucks but I know that I am not alone in the world and I know that I am loved and I love those who love me too much to ever do that to them, to make them feel the loss that I feel right now. She wasn't a close friend but a friend none the less and knowing that I will never see her again, that I will never chat or laugh with her again just breaks my heart. Nothing is sooo bad that you have to go out like that, everyone is loved and wanted by someone, I just wished she would have told us and let us help her before taking this step that she can never take back...
9/25/2011: I am no longer feeling sorry for myself and I am cleaning house ... I have gone through my FaceBook friends, YouTube subscriptions and friends, DailyMotion subscriptions and friends, I am deleting unused accounts ... out with the old and in with the new!! If you really weren't my friend to begin with then you won't mind and you won't miss me!! ~:-b
9/24/2011: Today I realized something...someone asked me to describe my closest friends, general question, easy enough to answer especially when the answer is that I really do not have any, at least no one that considers me an especially close friend. It is a sad thing to realize that should something ever happen to separate me from my wife, death or otherwise, that there is not another human being in this world who will truly feel a void or miss me when I am gone.
For the first half of my life I had close friends, people who needed me to be a part of their world everyday, even if it was just to say hello because I popped into their thoughts for a second or two but I do not have that anymore, not even from my family. So that leaves me thinking what do I do if my God saw fit to separate me from my wife, maybe I will disappear off of the face of the earth and reinvent myself somewhere, join the Peace Corps, move to Spain or Germany, go somewhere in the world where someone will need me and want me to be a part of their everyday world. I don't have everyday friends who chat me on FaceBook or text me to figure out what I am doing or what is going on, I don't get invitations to coffee or dinner or even lunch...I miss it, the friendships from my younger years, the people who thought of me as a necessary part of their world, even if just to keep tabs...without my wife I would just be another face in the crowd and not the face that stands out, the face that is mixed in and blurred. Do I fill a void in someone's heart that will be empty when I am gone? I really do not know...
It is sad thing to realize that my exit statement in this world will read 'remembered by many but missed by none...'
8/28/2011: So I found a new way to get my Jemma fix (my latest soap opera addiction) now that the series has ended...Fan Fiction!! It is kind of cool knowing what the characters look like because you can create the scenes in your head while you read. Yes I have a thing for lesbian soap operas, several over the years and my latest and greatest has been Hand aufs Herz which is in it's last week of broadcast! ~:-b My group that follows the show is throwing around the idea of following Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line and/or creating Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line (this thread in my blog is dedicated to them http://chitownboricua75.blogspot.com/2011/07/letters-blogs-petitions-postings-forums.html). Now I am really getting into the Fan Fiction for the show, let's see how long this lasts!! BTW...the drunken neighbors were out again being all ghetto-fied...gotta love living in the hood!!
8/23/2011: So I am in a much better mood today, turns out I had a stomach bug that contributed to my last post but I do really feel like that sometimes. Yesterday I had a great time chatting with friends and that helped, they made me smile and laugh and that succeeded in pulling me out of the slump. I still have a massive headache but the stomach bug is pretty much gone except for I am not really hungry yet, still a little food shy. See you guys later...whoever is reading anyway.
8/22/2011: I am having a really weird day today, I am overly emotional and easily frustrated...ever feel like you are giving something a lot of yourself and you are just not getting the satisfaction out of it that you once did? Like you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to a person or a group of people and with all that you still feel like an outsider, like you never really belonged. I am so tired of feeling like an outsider in so many things, like I am a part of it but always still feeling like I am standing on the outside looking in or standing on the side where I can hear and see everything that is going o/n but I am not standing close enough to really be a part of it or really hear what they are whispering about, I only hear the things that are loud enough to hear and that they want me to hear, I even feel like that around my own family. I just want to be happy and feel right about everything - life, work and my friends but I am not, I am not happy or satisfied with anything, not myself, not my life, not my marriage, and not my friends. Something has to change soon....
8/7/2011: So it is 11:00pm and I am listening to my ghetto ass neighbors having a screaming fight in the middle of the street on a weeknight/work night; you want to scream at them to shut-up or call the cops but at the same time the same thing that makes you want to stare at a gory accident is driving me to just listen and wait for the fist-fighting to start, LOL. So now the fighting has died down and I need to get ready for bed.
