Random Ramblings

I new thing that I am doing...whenever some random thing that I want to share pops into my head this is where I will share it.


12/21/2011:  Today I found out my friend died, she was smart and beautiful but not as strong as we all thought.  My friend killed herself because she thought she had no other option ... she came from money, she was well educated, and well traveled but not even all of that could give her the happiness and the fulfillment that she needed to continue living, my friend took her own life.  I am both angry and sad about it, angry at her for not thinking about all of us who loved her, for not seeking us out when she needed to feel loved and I am sad that she was so unhappy in life that she felt her only escape was to end it.  My life sucks but I know that I am not alone in the world and I know that I am loved and I love those who love me too much to ever do that to them, to make them feel the loss that I feel right now.  She wasn't a close friend but a friend none the less and knowing that I will never see her again, that I will never chat or laugh with her again just breaks my heart. Nothing is sooo bad that you have to go out like that, everyone is loved and wanted by someone, I just wished she would have told us and let us help her before taking this step that she can never take back...




9/25/2011:  I am no longer feeling sorry for myself and I am cleaning house ... I have gone through my FaceBook friends, YouTube subscriptions and friends, DailyMotion subscriptions and friends, I am deleting unused accounts ... out with the old and in with the new!!  If you really weren't my friend to begin with then you won't mind and you won't miss me!!  ~:-b


9/24/2011:  Today I realized something...someone asked me to describe my closest friends, general question, easy enough to answer especially when the answer is that I really do not have any, at least no one that considers me an especially close friend.  It is a sad thing to realize that should something ever happen to separate me from my wife, death or otherwise, that there is not another human being in this world who will truly feel a void or miss me when I am gone. 


For the first half of my life I had close friends, people who needed me to be a part of their world everyday, even if it was just to say hello because I popped into their thoughts for a second or two but I do not have that anymore, not even from my family.  So that leaves me thinking what do I do if my God saw fit to separate me from my wife, maybe I will disappear off of the face of the earth and reinvent myself somewhere, join the Peace Corps, move to Spain or Germany, go somewhere in the world where someone will need me and want me to be a part of their everyday world.  I don't have everyday friends who chat me on FaceBook or text me to figure out what I am doing or what is going on, I don't get invitations to coffee or dinner or even lunch...I miss it, the friendships from my younger years, the people who thought of me as a necessary part of their world, even if just to keep tabs...without my wife I would just be another face in the crowd and not the face that stands out, the face that is mixed in and blurred.  Do I fill a void in someone's heart that will be empty when I am gone?  I really do not know...


It is sad thing to realize that my exit statement in this world will read 'remembered by many but missed by none...'


8/28/2011:  So I found a new way to get my Jemma fix (my latest soap opera addiction) now that the series has ended...Fan Fiction!!  It is kind of cool knowing what the characters look like because you can create the scenes in your head while you read.  Yes I have a thing for lesbian soap operas, several over the years and my latest and greatest has been Hand aufs Herz which is in it's last week of broadcast!  ~:-b  My group that follows the show is throwing around the idea of following Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line and/or creating Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line (this thread in my blog is dedicated to them  http://chitownboricua75.blogspot.com/2011/07/letters-blogs-petitions-postings-forums.html).  Now I am really getting into the Fan Fiction for the show, let's see how long this lasts!!  BTW...the drunken neighbors were out again being all ghetto-fied...gotta love living in the hood!!


8/23/2011:  So I am in a much better mood today, turns out I had a stomach bug that contributed to my last post but I do really feel like that sometimes.  Yesterday I had a great time chatting with friends and that helped, they made me smile and laugh and that succeeded in pulling me out of the slump.  I still have a massive headache but the stomach bug is pretty much gone except for I am not really hungry yet, still a little food shy.  See you guys later...whoever is reading anyway.


8/22/2011:  I am having a really weird day today, I am overly emotional and easily frustrated...ever feel like you are giving something a lot of yourself and you are just not getting the satisfaction out of it that you once did?  Like you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to a person or a group of people and with all that you still feel like an outsider, like you never really belonged.  I am so tired of feeling like an outsider in so many things, like I am a part of it but always still feeling like I am standing on the outside looking in or standing on the side where I can hear and see everything that is going o/n but I am not standing close enough to really be a part of it or really hear what they are whispering about, I only hear the things that are loud enough to hear and that they want me to hear, I even feel like that around my own family.  I just want to be happy and feel right about everything - life, work and my friends but I am not, I am not happy or satisfied with anything, not myself, not my life, not my marriage, and not my friends.  Something has to change soon....


8/7/2011: So it is 11:00pm and I am listening to my ghetto ass neighbors having a screaming fight in the middle of the street on a weeknight/work night; you want to scream at them to shut-up or call the cops but at the same time the same thing that makes you want to stare at a gory accident is driving me to just listen and wait for the fist-fighting to start, LOL.  So now the fighting has died down and I need to get ready for bed.

Present Day...

07/06/2011:


I am done transferring all of the blog entries over from my MySpace account and I will now only update this one, to be honest though I have to read it again myself because I don't remember all that was said up until this point and I am still trying to figure out how to configure the Blogger profile so this is definitely a work in progress.  This is my first actual Blog entry since Jul 14, 2009 10:00 AM (My Auto’blog’ography - Part 11).  


Current status:  living in Chicago, Illinois with my wife of almost 12 years now.  I am working full-time and I am really good at what I do but it is not in my chosen career path so sadly it is just a job at this point and I am searching for a better one and one that is more applicable to my skill set.  So after I read through my entire blog again I will return with a new installment.

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1

Posted Date: : Apr 19, 2007 10:30 PM

A year ago I went to a company party and ended up sharing a table with my boss's sister and her best friend who just happened to be a reporter.  The reporter spent the night asking me a thousand questions about my life and she actually found it so interesting that she suggested that I write a book.  Well I am not much of a writer and I definitely don't have enough patience or focus for a book.  So I thought about it and I figured that writing a blog would be easier.  So here is where I begin, I decided to start with me and not so much with the first day of my life.  What can I say, I am in my early 30's and even though I have done a lot during the last twenty-plus years of my life, I really don't feel like I have done anything that really matters or that is really significant.  I have always felt like the black sheep, like I never quite fit in, not even with my own family. I have always been a tomboy and I hate asking for help with anything.  I work hard at everything that I do but still I don't feel like I do much of anything at all.  I left home at eighteen years old; I joined the Navy before I even graduated high school, because I thought I needed to get away from my family.  The truth is that I just had to find myself and I couldn't do that living at home.  I am a lesbian and I didn't think that I could come out while still living at home with my parents.  I have always been a daydreamer; my third grade teacher used to call me 'Space-Cadet' and I must admit that I am still a daydreamer.  I love to put myself somewhere else sometimes, just pretend for a little while that I am a different person and in a different place.  Don't worry I have both feet placed firmly on the ground and I know who I am, it is OK to pretend sometimes, even if only in your mind, just as long as you realize that it is just pretend, just a dream, and you always come back to reality.  Sometimes I like to pretend that I can actually sing well and that I can play the congas or the timbares, I love music but I can't do either, I wish that I would have taken the time to really learn though.  I can honestly say that even though I am not totally miserable, I don't feel satisfied or fulfilled with anything that I have done.  I just graduated from college, honors, valedictorian, the whole bit and not even that filled the gap, something is missing, and I just really don't know what it is.  Have you ever felt like you were meant for something greater?  I feel that way, like I was meant for something greater, I just don't know what.  I have always been an overachiever and I love the feeling of when something that I have worked hard at turns out well, not for the attention because I really don't like the attention, I just like the feeling of knowing that I did that and it turned out to be a success.  I guess that I am more of the behind the scenes type.  I like helping people and I like the feeling that I get when I help someone or when I make a difference in someone's life, unfortunately I don't get very many chances to make a difference in anyone's life, I think that I am more of a pain in the ass.  Once upon a time I had lots of friends and I was happy and confident, somewhere and somehow I got lost and I would love to find my way back, not turn back time per say, just reinvent myself in a way that I can get back just a little of the person that I once was.  The truth is that you can't go back, you can't live in the past and I don't want to live in the past, I just want a better future and I want to be a better person than I have been.  I want to be a better wife, a better aunt, a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend; I want to be a better me.  I can't say that I am depressed or anything, I am just not satisfied and I guess that I am kind of bored with myself.  Right now I am looking to move back home to Chicago, at least I am hoping to.  My wife is from Boston and to be fair to her I am job hunting in Boston as well but in my heart I really want to go home, I think it is time.  Where ever I end up I am going to be making some changes, I want to start volunteering at a gay and lesbian youth organization and maybe start throwing L-Word viewing parties when the season starts up again.  I want to be happy, I want to be busy doing something other than just work, and I want to be social, I want to have friends again.  I have never been a very good loner, even though I have always been the black sheep, at least back then I was still in the mix of things.  Well it is time to end this installment of 'Me', its 11:00pm and 'Flashdance' just started on VH1 and I just have to watch.  Something about watching Jennifer Beals welding, stripping, and dancing that I absolutely cannot resist, God she is just irresistible, although I must admit I think that she is much more beautiful now, the years have been very, very good to her.  Yeah well, gotta go, it's the 'Maniac' scene and I absolutely cannot miss this!!  Good night all!

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 2

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 2

Posted Date: : Apr 20, 2007 3:28 AM
Current mood:sleepy

Well, it's almost 3:00am and I can't sleep so I decided to start the next installment of 'About Me'.  I guess this time around I will cover the when I was born part.  So here goes, I was born on what I can only assume was a cold January day in Chicago in 1975, I say this because it is always cold in Chicago in January.  In 1977 we moved to the house that they still live in until this day, the house I grew up in.  When I was eight years old I burned a huge hole in the living room rug, I was this ugly lime green rug, a throwback from the 70's, because I was playing with matches.  My father caught me and beat the crap out of me; unfortunately I tried to cover it up by moving an equally ugly coffee table to cover it up.  My mistake there was that we had a party the night before and the coffee table didn't actually go there so I would have eventually gotten caught anyway, I got caught red handed though trying to stomp it out. I have always been a tomboy; I hated dolls and pretty much stuck to playing sports and kicking the shit out of my brother.  Unfortunately, I was also very accident prone, luckily for me my mom worked at the hospital but I am sure that she got tired of hearing "Maria it is your daughter again!"  In the past 32 years I have had broken bones, sprained joints, scarred the hell out of myself, and I have more stitches than I am proud to admit, to say that I am just a little klutzy would be an understatement.  I had your pretty average childhood I guess, a typical middle class, Spanish speaking, Puerto Rican, devout Catholic family.  My mom is a nurse and my dad was a factory worker and a Catholic Deacon.  My sister was the beauty queen, my brother was the mama's boy, and I was the black sheep (still am), the middle child, and the smart one.  The picture perfect family but behind the scenes my dad was a womanizer and an alcoholic (still is) and my mom was a borderline compulsive gambler (still is).  Me, my sister, and my brother are still waiting for a long lost illegitimate sibling to show up.  My family was typical even in its dysfunction; we couldn't have any kind of family function because it always ended up in a drugged out, drunken brawl between my dad and his siblings.  Me, my brother, and my sister spent literally years beating each other black and blue, we fought until I moved in 1993, I knew we loved each other but for some reason we just couldn't say it or show it.  The ironic thing was that I remember my dad always saying "los hermanos no deben de peliar" (siblings shouldn't fight), it almost felt like that old anti-drug commercial from the 80's when the dad confronts the son about the marijuana that he found and the son said that he had learned it by watching his dad.  I love my dad but he is truly a selfish, self righteous prick!  I was a trouble maker, always getting into fights with the kids around the neighborhood; I was so bad that my mom walked around for years wearing a leather belt around her neck like an accessory. She used to give me these whacks in the head called 'Cocotasos' and I got them so often that she didn't have to aim anymore, I swear it seemed like everyday for at least four years straight and I must admit I earned everyone of them, hell I think I still a have a bump on my skull, LOL.  I close my eyes and I can still see my mom standing there in the kitchen, with rollers in her hair, wearing flip-flops and that damn belt around her neck, God I miss my mom!  I was a Girl Scout and I went to CCD classes and when no-one was looking I played doctor with the guy next door.  I was a real nerd, pretty much a straight 'A' student with perfect attendance, that's how I ended up getting accepted to Lane Tech H.S.  I had this thing, anyone I was ever attracted to almost always ended up being my best friend at some point in my life.  I have only ever had one best friend that I was never romantically attracted to; she was like my sister, right from the start.  Her name is Mary; we hit it off right away and were attached at the hip.  We were kindred spirits and even now we are still the best of friends, I love her more than she can ever know and I appreciate her friendship more than anything.  Over the years, we have separated but we have always managed to come back together, till this day I love her more than anything.  I can honestly say that the eighth grade was the last time that friendships for me weren't complicated, it was comfortable and easy, the year was 1989 and it bought me my first kiss and my first heart break. My first kiss was a dare and my first real heartache was a girl.  Unfortunately the eighth grade is also when my dealing with friends became more hazardous to my health, drugs and gangs.  I was mugged (jumped) more than once but I wasn't shot at until the summer of 1993.  We had an all out race riot that almost cost us our graduation and did cost us all of the graduation perks, no trips or anything.  The only drug I ever used was weed and I was well on my way to being a pot-head, I succumbed to my surroundings, luckily for me I went to the nerd high school and I got away from that whole glorified gang and drug lifestyle.  It is funny to think back and remember how intense everything was for us, it was so real and dramatic, and you don't realize until you are older that it was such a small part of our lives and our world was small, back then it seemed so enormous. That was a very memorable period in my life and the only friend that I have left from that time period who isn't actually related to me is Mary.  Well it is now 4:30am and I have to get ready for work so I bid you all adieu until next time!

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 3

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 3

Posted Date: : Apr 20, 2007 8:54 PM
Current mood:groggy

My first best friend was C.C., he lived next door to me, we were best friends for several years and that all ended one summer evening in 1989 when we decided to kiss,  I was in the eighth grade at the time, and that single event pretty much ended that friendship.  He was the second person that I ever kissed; he lied and told everyone that he didn't even like me, it was not cool to like me because I was one of the guys; I had it bad for him for a long time too.  After that I held a grudge for four years, I wouldn't even look at him and then I enlisted in the Navy when I was eighteen years old and decided it was time to get over it.  Unfortunately before the kiss, I embarrassed the hell out of myself in front of him too.  This time it was on a skateboard, me and my genius self decided to clip the end of a jumper cable onto the end of my board, yeah, I stepped on the clamp and did a 360 degree flip in the air, landed on my back, and the skateboard landed on top of me.  The first person to stand over me was C.C. and he was laughing hysterically, another low point in my childhood.  The first girl that I ever had a crush on was in the first grade, her name was Jackie and all I can remember about her now is that she had the most beautiful green eyes.  I didn't have another crush on a girl until like the fifth or sixth grade, her name was Karen and she lived across the street.  Between the first and eighth grades I had a total of six crushes, 3 guys and 3 girls.  The guys first, I already mentioned C.C., in the sixth grade there was L.D. and he didn't even know that I was alive, good thing we never hooked up though because he later turned out to be a real druggie.   Once I embarrassed the hell out of myself in front of him.  I was trying to show off by riding my bike passed him without holding the handle bars, I had a hoodie tied around my waist and it got tangled in the spokes of the rear wheel, and I literally did a 360 degree flip in the air, I landed on my back, and the bike landed on top of me. This I can honestly say was one of the lowest points of my childhood, yeah pretty embarrassing. My most heartbreaking crush during this time period was for Alex, his real name was Prudencio Cruz and he seriously didn't know that I was alive and unfortunately I never got the chance to befriend him.  He and his cousin were walking down the wrong block and even though they weren't gang affiliated someone just didn't like the fact that they were in their neighborhood so they were both murdered.  Alex was only 14 years old and the ironic thing is that his family has just moved him to Chicago from The Bronx because they thought that he would be safer in Chicago, he didn't even last a year, it was a double funeral and I cried my eyes out and no one could figure why I was so upset, I didn't exactly share that fact that I had the hots for Alex with anyone.  Now the girls, I already mentioned Jackie and Karen, the only left to tell about is Z.I.R., she was my first serious crush and the first person that I ever said I love you to.  I am pretty sure that she thought I meant it in a friendly, sisterly fashion but no I was head over heals.  The friendship ended my freshman year in High School, Z.I.R. got pregnant at 15 years old and disappeared from the face of the earth.  Mary, Z.I.R., and I were like the Three Musketeers and that relationship ended over a guy and not even a decent guy.  Mary and Z.I.R. had a fling with the same guy which started a war amongst them, I was stuck in the middle and then Z.I.R. disappeared, I never saw her again.  My first kiss was on a dare, it was with E.G. and he just happened to be dating a good friend of mine Maribel.  Maria C.H. dared us to kiss so we did and we thought that was the end of it.  Then one day in the middle of Mrs. Jackson's eighth grade Social Studies class Maria C.H. blurted out the details in front of the entire class, including me, E.G. and Maribel.  Maria C.H. didn't really like Maribel and this was her way of taking a jab at Maribel and embarrassing the hell out of me and E.G. at the same time. Yup! Yet another not so proud moment in my life!!   Well that's elementary school, next high school!!

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 4

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 4

Posted Date: : Apr 21, 2007 8:13 AM
Current mood:bored

High school was a period of great highs for me and great lows; it was a world different from the one that I grew up in.  I went to Lane Tech H.S., the land of the 'Lane Brains', it is a magnet school that has a grade point average minimum in order to be accepted, I got in with flying colors.  I guess it helped that I still studied while I was partying in elementary school.  All the people were preppies and I showed up this wanna-be hard kid from the hood.  Well, I conformed, I started wearing The Gap and Girbau Jeans, I stopped smoking weed and I joined a club, The Aspira Club.  The Aspira Club was to become my life for the next four years.  I was almost addicted to it; I used it to channel my feeling of confusion and loneliness over my teetering sexually.  Although, I did have a boyfriend in high school, on and off, but pretty much the same guy all through high school.  He was more like my best friend, we got along great and when we were together we were great and I did love him, I am not sure that I was ever really 'in love with' him and since I am not sure how he would react to being mentioned in my blog, for his name I will also use initials, so we will call him H.M.R..  In 1992 I did almost become Mrs. H.M.R. but we broke up yet again and during the period of our second to last break-up I joined the Navy, we got back together for a few months and after The Prom we had our final break-up, he said that he didn't want to leave Chicago to be a military husband, I later found out the truth and that was that we was afraid.  We are made up now, we still hang out a little (very little) when I manage to get home to Chicago and we are still good friends 14 years later.  To be totally honest, if we did actually get married back then, I really do think it would have worked out but mostly because our personalities matched up that well and his mother loved me.  H.M.R. is someone that I have always been able to be honest with, I could always be myself and comfortable around him, I think that eventually I would have been able to tell him about my confusion over my sexuality.  I ultimately scared him off when I said that I loved him and I even did that the wrong way, I first time that I said I loved him was over a pager message.  On prom night I had planned on giving him my virginity and he ultimately rejected me that night, he took me home and that was the last time I saw him, he broke up with me officially over the phone a couple of months later, I put my fist through a wall when I got the phone call.  I miss talking to him, he is a great guy and a wonderful friend and he is one of the very few people that I still keep in touch with from my younger years.  Whoever he eventually settles down with will be a very lucky person because he is a great guy and he gives his whole heart.  By the way, if he is reading this, I never did say thank you for protecting my innocence on prom night, I wasn't ready yet and I think you knew that and I realized later that you didn't want to hurt me or take advantage of me.  I wish you happiness and I still do love you, you were my first love, how could I not.  Until next time, this is Myriam signing out for the addition of 'About Me'.

My Auto’blog’ography - Part 5

Subject : My Auto’blog’ography - Part 5

Posted Date: : Aug 7, 2008 8:32 PM
Current mood:working

In this installment of 'About Me' I have decided to cover a little more about me personally.  Some people close to me are less than thrilled that I have decided to start spilling my guts about myself publicly through my Myspace blog.  My theory is what do I really have to hide?  I mean seriously, I am not rich, I am not famous, and my credit isn't so superb that I should be concerned about someone stealing my identity.  Why not tell people what little story about myself that I have to tell? It's not like I have 100 people that actually read my blog, I am lucky if I have 2.  Then there is that minute chance that someone will actually be able to relate to my story, maybe they can learn something about themselves in the process; or God forbid, I might actually help someone figure something out that they haven't been able to put their finger on.  OK back to my story, lately, I have been thinking a lot about the choices that I have made for my life, wondering if the path that I have chosen to follow was indeed the right path for me.  As often as I daydream, sometimes I think that perhaps I should have taken up drama or journalism instead of electronics, I could have written a prize winning novel or won a Golden Globe or something.  Even though it is not apparent to those who are closest to me, I have a vivid imagination and I am constantly dreaming myself into different scenarios, at night when I dream I always dream up movies, sometimes when I wake up I think that maybe I should have written that particular dream down before my first five minutes were up and I had forgotten most of it.  The weird thing is that when I dream or daydream I see the pictures so clearly in my head, I play out the scenes just how I think they would actually look.  I have been a dreamer all of my life, for as long as I can remember I would lose sight of where I was and I would dream myself somewhere else, then someone or something would snap me back into reality.  I guess you can say that I am quirky, for instance, I can remember scenes from my childhood so vividly that it almost seems like they happened yesterday but I can't do that same for something that happened to me as early as last week.  I am really strong for a girl, I could probably bench press my boss if I tried and I like the fact that I can hold my own with most guys, but I cry during commercials and movies.  I can be so one-track-minded just like a man, but I am a sucker for a love story or a sob story, I must admit that I prefer the happily ever afters!  I was born and raised in the city of Chicago but I love the country and the wilderness.  That is the one thing that I will miss about living in Pennsylvania, I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and I love the fact that I get to see farmland, horses, deer, and birds.  The air is clean, it is quiet, and the view is beautiful, I will miss this place only for all of its beauty.  I hate bugs, especially any bug with more than six legs, the girl in me really comes out when it comes to bugs.  I also hate any kind of communal gathering of bugs,  Indiana Jones – Temple of Doom I can't even watch the bug scene behind the hidden wall, it gives me the willies!!  I love working with my hands, building things and fixing things, HomeDepot and Lowe's are my Toyland.  I love tools but I only like to read comics or lesbian romance books.  I work hard at all that I do, I am dedicated and extremely dependable, but I can also be a kid.  I wholeheartedly believe that no matter how old you get you should never forget how to be a kid and you should treat yourself to being a kid once in awhile, you are only as old as you feel.  I like getting things done and knowing the plan ahead of time, especially when it comes to major decisions about my life and my future, I'd rather not play it by ear, at the same time I am not so rigid and uptight that I can't just go with the flow.  I am a procrastinator when it comes to little things and small projects (my wife really hates this), I have been known to start a project and not finish it for awhile later (I am working on this bad habit as well).  It is hard to get me angry (this drives my wife nuts), I am forever the optimist, and I am very laid back.  Don't get me wrong, I can lose my cool as much as the next person, but I must admit that it takes a lot to get me there.  I am ferociously protective of my family and selected friends!  Sometimes I can get emotional about things; when I feel, I feel deeply and unfortunately I can at times be easily offended and I can get defensive, then, as a throwback to my extremely high levels of testosterone, I will make like I don't care what was said or done to offend me, meanwhile inside I am pissed off and crying like a baby.  I am a girl but I can be such a guy sometimes!!  To end this one, I want to wrap it up with some final basic facts about me.  (1) I am a firm believer in "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." {Jesus (c. 5 BCE—33 CE) in the Gospels, Matthew 7:12, Luke 6:31, Luke 10:27} … I don't like being taken advantage of, so I refuse to take advantage of others and I like being treated with respect, so I try my best to always respect others.  (2)  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt; you are innocent until you, in my eyes, have proven yourself guilty.  (3)  I will give you the shirt off of my back and I will go out of my way to help anyone (my wife is less than happy with this one), and all that I ever expect in return is a thank you and maybe a smile.  (4)  My life is an open book, I don't mind relinquishing any kind of information about myself or my life, as long as, someone is willing to listen or someone is asking the questions, and the information will not be used to hurt me or anyone else for that matter.  (5)  When it comes to being a friend, I am as true and blue as they come, although I totally suck at keeping in touch (I am working on the K.I.T. part).  (6)  If I had to pick one-word labels to represent me I would have to say: 1) Puerto Rican, 2) Lesbian, 3) Aspirante,

4) Chicagoan, 5) Woman, and 6) Sailor.  Well, that is it for now.  Until next time … Myriam

My Auto’blog’ography - Part 6

Subject : My Auto’blog’ography - Part 6

Posted Date: : Jun 2, 2008 4:55 PM
Current mood:working

Hello again to whoever actually reads my blog!  This addition of 'About Me' will continue with my high school years.  Of course, there were girls in high school that I had crushes on, some crushes were small and some were bigger; but all were on untouchable, uninterested, straight chicks.  Me in my typical fashion, since I could not have them to date, I sought out to be their best friends and at the time that was good enough for me, at least until E.C. in my senior year.  E.C. was the first person that I can honestly say that I was truly in love with and I stayed in love with her for several years after high school.  Eventually I got over her, thank God, because over the years she had become a somewhat less than desirable person to be around.  I think that maybe perhaps she was always like that and I was just too 'Enchula' to realize it at the time, she was my first real heartbreak!!  Although to take some of the blame for what ultimately ended our friendship, I guess I sort of broke her heart too.  She was dating my best friend, Eddie, and as happy as I was to see them together because I loved them both so much, it was killing me inside to know that they were being intimate.  E.C. and I met in my sophomore or junior year through Aspira, she wanted to start up a club at her high school, and I was part of the Aspira Club Federation for the City of Chicago so she was petitioning through us.  I have to admit that it really was love at first sight and I did make an attempt to befriend her, unfortunately we did lose touch.  In April of 1993 she moved into my neighborhood, she moved in with her cousins who just happened to be longtime friends of mine, and we reestablished our friendship.  We were inseparable, we even spent every night together either at my house or hers, I was head over heals!  I loved her so much that I wanted her to be happy, so much that I put her happiness before my own and I fixed her up with my best friend and next door neighbor Eddie.  In April of 1993, I also enlisted in the US Navy; I was in the delayed entry program and scheduled to leave for boot camp on October 18 of that year, my parent's 25^th wedding anniversary.  If she would have given me the slightest clue that she wanted to be more than just my friend, I would have never left, I would have quit the Navy before I even started, and for her I would have done anything.  We stayed close for about a year after I left, I even admitted my feelings for her, and then shortly after that the friendship was over.  She got married and moved on with her life, I didn't even know about the wedding, I heard about it after the fact.  We did make a couple of attempts over the years to reestablish contact but it just never worked out and now we aren't even acquaintances.  At one point she did let me know that when I left for the Navy she felt that I had abandoned her, she was truly heartbroken, and she resented me for leaving, what she didn't realize is that I loved her too much to stay and not have her as my own.  I remember one evening in the summer before I left as vividly as if it happened yesterday, we were all sleeping over Eddie's house, his mom was out of town and I slept in the living room right outside his bedroom.  I did not sleep a wink that night because I spent the entire night listening to them have sex and it killed me so much that I became physically ill and as soon as day broke, I had to get out of there, I even threw-up before I left.  It was like 6:00am on a Sunday and I walked around for what seemed like forever, I couldn't bring myself to go home so I ended up at the 7:30am Catholic Mass at my local Parish.  The church was filled with elderly white people who looked at me like I was crazy because I was there so early.  I guess she was watching for me because when I finally got home, she walked into my room, and she didn't say anything she just got into bed with me and held me without saying a word, we never talked about it.  Later that summer I had the opportunity to kiss her on the lips, she leaned in to kiss me and I chickened out at the last millisecond and moved my head so that the kiss landed on my cheek; the thought crossed my mind that if she kissed me it would forever change or even possibly end the friendship and I knew that I couldn't live without having her in my life, if even as only a friend.  If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would have gone for it. The last time we saw each other, which was about two years ago, she sort of wigged out a bit; I think that she thought that I was hitting on her.  That was farthest from my mind, I am happily married to my wife, and she was still married to the same guy and had a kid, I am way too respectful to try to pick up on a married, straight woman.  So, yet again, she blew me off, although this time it was for the last time because I just don't have the time or the patience to deal with straight chicks who think that lesbians are like guys who can't control their loins  and can't help but to hit on every pretty girl who comes around.  It hurt that she even let that thought cross her mind, I guess that over the years, we both changed and ultimately we were just not compatible anymore.  Anyway, at this point in my life there is no love lost and I have too much respect for myself to put myself through the headache of trying to reestablish or maintain a friendship with her.  I wish her good luck and happiness in her life and I can quite honestly say that I hope that we never cross paths again.  Next time, more high school crushes, T.T.F.N.!

Subject : My Auto’blog’ography Update

Posted Date: : Jun 2, 2008 6:59 PM
Current mood:tired

Update for My Auto'blog'ography - Part 6, E.C. and I are working on being friends again, let's see what happens.  OK, so I eat my words and I don't mind so much that we are crossing paths again.  Until next time...

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 7

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 7

Posted Date: : May 22, 2007 4:17 PM
Current mood:working

More about me!! I guess that if I were to have to use a word to describe myself it would be 'Thinker' and that is because I think just way to damn much and it is an unfortunate affliction that I have had all of my life.  I analyze the hell out of everything, I daydream, and I dream, I am just always thinking about everything and anything all of the time.  When I dream at night I always dream in movies, I know it sounds weird but I do.  I also daydream a lot, I swear that I should have been a writer or something because I am always thinking up some wild, fictitious scenario that sometimes involve me and sometimes not.  In the 3^rd grade I used to daydream so much during class that my teacher called me 'space cadet'.  One day maybe I will get my head out of clouds but what fun would that be, real life is boring, LOL.

I am very much into watching just about anything involving lesbians, which sort of makes sense considering that I am one but sometimes I can go a little overboard; for example, right now I am trying to watch Seasons 1-3 of The L-Word before Season 5 starts.  My wife is in Boston visiting her mom for the next couple of weeks so I am attempting to watch them all during this period before she comes home because she really isn't into the show and I am on the other side of that spectrum. Yesterday alone I watched the last four episodes of Season 1, now I am going through L-Word withdrawals, LOL.  No seriously I am doing the NetFlix thing so I have to get them watched and then sent back in time to receive the next set.  My wife doesn't like the show because she has something against a bunch of straight women pretending to be lesbians.  I tried to explain to her that 90% of the lesbian movies out there, and just about everyone that we have ever watched together, straight women have played the lesbians.  There just aren't very many lesbians out there that want to play these kinds of roles and it's a shame because I really think that our lifestyle needs to be presented as something normal.  Homosexuality is out there and it is normal, we are parents, lovers, husbands, wives, employees, tax payers, and I truly feel that The L-Word (minus the lesbian drama) is a really good means of presenting us in that light.

I love to be active but I lack the drive and will power to go it alone, my wife is disabled and she just can't be as active as I am and I totally understand and respect that.  I wouldn't mind working out, walking, or playing sports if I had someone to do it with, I know it sounds sad and who knows maybe one day I will get off my lazy ass and find the motivation to be active again.  I used to be really fit and active before and during the Navy but once I go out of the service that all went out the window.  Now I am over weight and I have to admit that my self-esteem is pretty shot because of it.

I spend way too much time doubting myself and doubting the choices that I have made in my life, I know that you can't turn back the clock but oh how I wish that I could.  I wonder too much about what could have been and don't spend enough time thinking about what could be if I only put some effort into it.  The fact of the matter is that I am bored and it is time for a change, I am just afraid that it may cost me my marriage because my wife isn't much for change.  I just want to be more active, I want to go out more, I want to have friends, I want to volunteer, or join some group or team, I just want to recapture just a little of the person that I used to be.  My wife is not into that at all, she has become somewhat of a recluse and she only gets worse with time because most people have a really hard time understanding her illness and her inability to do certain things.  Rather than deal with it, she prefers to stay home and shut the rest of the world out, I just can't bring myself to be that way, I would be miserable and that is part of the reason that I am unhappy now.  I have a total of four non-professional friends in the entire state of Pennsylvania and she would probably say that only two of those four are her friends.  Don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart and I could never imagine my life without her, she is caring and loving but she is also anti-social and a horrible communicator.  I like telling people about my feelings, I love talking to people, and I love listening to people; my wife is not into that at all.  I guess that is why I write these blogs because it has become my way of telling people how I feel and what is going through my head, my wife won't even read them and if she did she would probably go off on me for telling the world my business.  Hey it's not like I am performing espionage and no one is getting hurt so why not, what do I have to hide?  It makes me feel better to spill my guts and to get my feelings out, I find it very healing.  I hate writing anything and I can type my ass off so I feel my blog is the best medium for getting my thoughts out.  Well I guess that I will end this one for now, until next time.

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 8

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 8

Posted Date: : Jun 22, 2007 1:21 AM
Current mood:bored

Better late than never, as promised I am continuing my High School years.  High School was a freaking' roller coaster, they were some of my best years and my worst years, and unfortunately some of my most wasted years.  I worked my ass off in H.S. with extracurricular activities and school work that I just don't think that I had as much fun as I should have.  I think I should have spent more time with H.M.R. because he was always fun to be with and he was great to be around, the only problem was that he was rarely ever serious, I needed a balance.  I worked all the way through high school, two jobs in the summers, plus I had my school clubs (mostly ASPIRA), and also played softball in the summers with my church youth group, see what I mean, I left very little time to have fun and to be a kid.  I guess that is why I can still be such a little kid sometimes; I love the Sunday Comics, SpongeBob SquarePants, anything Disney, etc.  I had several crushes throughout H.S. starting with C.M., that one lasted freshman year through the end of sophomore year, and ending with E.D.C. and hell I was hooked on her until like 1997.  The only person that I actually dated in high school was H.M.R. but I had lots of friends, mostly through ASPIRA.  I was a very social person and my parent's house was the home away from home for many of my friends, ours was the house that everyone hung out at.  There were lots of girls and guys that I thought were cute and that I had a physical attraction to but I really don't remember most of their names.  Then there were my best friends in high school, none of whom I still keep in touch with.  Freshman year there was C.M., Maribel, and Rosie, our little foursome broke up at the end of freshman year when Maribel decided to screw around with C.M.'s boyfriend at the time, we then split up into two twosomes, me and C.M. and then Maribel with Rosie.  Eventually Maribel and Rosie transferred to other schools.  I then messed things up with C.M. and I did it in the worst possible way, it happened the first time that I got drunk; I started bad mouthing C.M. to anyone and everyone that would listen.  She didn't speak to me for a long time after that and even then things never went back to normal.  About three years ago I finally told her why I got so upset back then, I told her that I had a crush on her and believe it or not she understood and thanked me for my honesty.  Then my next group, or shall I say clique consisted of Stamata, Tracy, Yolanda, Lisa and a couple of other girls, we mostly just ate lunch together and hung out during classes and study hall.  Then there was my ASPIRA clique who consisted of Omaida, C.M., Wilson, Evelyn, Marisol, and several other people.  I was always surrounded by people, by friends, but even then I never really felt like one of the group, I always felt like I was there but on the outside looking in, like the black-sheep.  The only friends that I ever felt like I was on an equal playing field with were those from my old neighborhood, Eddie, Freddie, Indio,   Pito, Vanessa, Vina, Odilia, Evy, Gabriel, and Raul; I don't talk to any of them anymore either.  Some of the friends I lost because they just couldn't deal with my being a lesbian and a lot of them I lost because we just didn't keep in touch.  Pennie and I may be moving to Chicago at the end of August and I think that I may drop in on C.M.; she lives in her parent's old house with her husband.  Lately I have really been into reconnecting with family and friends from my past, maybe it is the early onset of some sort of a midlife crisis or maybe it's just me realizing the mortality of us all and how life is too short to not be surrounded by people that you love and that love you in return.  My graduation day sucked, it was the day after my mom's birthday and she couldn't be there.  My grandmother in Puerto Rico died the day before and my mom had to leave to go home for the funeral, my mom gets to remember her birthday as the day that her mother died and I get to remember my high school graduation as the one that my mom missed because my grandmother died on my mom's birthday.  In April of my senior year  I joined the Navy, I didn't discuss it with anyone, I just walked in and signed up, they put me in the Delayed Entry Program and my deployment date was the very day of my parent's wedding anniversary.  I needed to get out, I was having problems with everyone but my mom and I needed to grow up and to find myself.  I made the summer before boot camp my most memorable, my most uninhibited, and my most adventurous, I got high, I drank, I stayed out to all hours with my friends from my neighborhood, and this was the first and last time I was ever shot at.  Eddie was shot outside of a corner store, luckily only in the leg, so Freddie decided to avenge his brother's shooting by killing two members of the rival gang that shot Eddie.  It was a hot summer evening in Chicago and I was visiting Eddie and changing his bandages, I was the only one that we would allow to do it.  The rival gang showed up and surrounded the house and they started shooting. Just then my dad starts screaming my name outside to come home, I called on the phone and asked if I could wait until the shooting stopped, but he said NOW.  So I opened the back door and asked if the coast was clear and I made a run for it, I jumped off a porch, ran across the yard and then jumped two fences, I moved faster than I ever thought that I could, I didn't even notice that I lost my glasses.  Thankfully no one was killed and I went over the next morning and found my glasses in three pieces, I did manage to get them put back together easy enough.  That was a pretty wild summer, it sort of made up for working my ass off during high school.  I guess that is it for this installment of my Auto'blog'ography, next installment will be more on high school.