Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Random Ramblings

I new thing that I am doing...whenever some random thing that I want to share pops into my head this is where I will share it.

12/21/2011:  Today I found out my friend died, she was smart and beautiful but not as strong as we all thought.  My friend killed herself because she thought she had no other option ... she came from money, she was well educated, and well traveled but not even all of that could give her the happiness and the fulfillment that she needed to continue living, my friend took her own life.  I am both angry and sad about it, angry at her for not thinking about all of us who loved her, for not seeking us out when she needed to feel loved and I am sad that she was so unhappy in life that she felt her only escape was to end it.  My life sucks but I know that I am not alone in the world and I know that I am loved and I love those who love me too much to ever do that to them, to make them feel the loss that I feel right now.  She wasn't a close friend but a friend none the less and knowing that I will never see her again, that I will never chat or laugh with her again just breaks my heart. Nothing is sooo bad that you have to go out like that, everyone is loved and wanted by someone, I just wished she would have told us and let us help her before taking this step that she can never take back...

9/25/2011:  I am no longer feeling sorry for myself and I am cleaning house ... I have gone through my FaceBook friends, YouTube subscriptions and friends, DailyMotion subscriptions and friends, I am deleting unused accounts ... out with the old and in with the new!!  If you really weren't my friend to begin with then you won't mind and you won't miss me!!  ~:-b

9/24/2011:  Today I realized something...someone asked me to describe my closest friends, general question, easy enough to answer especially when the answer is that I really do not have any, at least no one that considers me an especially close friend.  It is a sad thing to realize that should something ever happen to separate me from my wife, death or otherwise, that there is not another human being in this world who will truly feel a void or miss me when I am gone. 

For the first half of my life I had close friends, people who needed me to be a part of their world everyday, even if it was just to say hello because I popped into their thoughts for a second or two but I do not have that anymore, not even from my family.  So that leaves me thinking what do I do if my God saw fit to separate me from my wife, maybe I will disappear off of the face of the earth and reinvent myself somewhere, join the Peace Corps, move to Spain or Germany, go somewhere in the world where someone will need me and want me to be a part of their everyday world.  I don't have everyday friends who chat me on FaceBook or text me to figure out what I am doing or what is going on, I don't get invitations to coffee or dinner or even lunch...I miss it, the friendships from my younger years, the people who thought of me as a necessary part of their world, even if just to keep tabs...without my wife I would just be another face in the crowd and not the face that stands out, the face that is mixed in and blurred.  Do I fill a void in someone's heart that will be empty when I am gone?  I really do not know...

It is sad thing to realize that my exit statement in this world will read 'remembered by many but missed by none...'

8/28/2011:  So I found a new way to get my Jemma fix (my latest soap opera addiction) now that the series has ended...Fan Fiction!!  It is kind of cool knowing what the characters look like because you can create the scenes in your head while you read.  Yes I have a thing for lesbian soap operas, several over the years and my latest and greatest has been Hand aufs Herz which is in it's last week of broadcast!  ~:-b  My group that follows the show is throwing around the idea of following Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line and/or creating Fan Fiction for the Jemma Story-line (this thread in my blog is dedicated to them  Now I am really getting into the Fan Fiction for the show, let's see how long this lasts!!  BTW...the drunken neighbors were out again being all ghetto-fied...gotta love living in the hood!!

8/23/2011:  So I am in a much better mood today, turns out I had a stomach bug that contributed to my last post but I do really feel like that sometimes.  Yesterday I had a great time chatting with friends and that helped, they made me smile and laugh and that succeeded in pulling me out of the slump.  I still have a massive headache but the stomach bug is pretty much gone except for I am not really hungry yet, still a little food shy.  See you guys later...whoever is reading anyway.

8/22/2011:  I am having a really weird day today, I am overly emotional and easily frustrated...ever feel like you are giving something a lot of yourself and you are just not getting the satisfaction out of it that you once did?  Like you put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to a person or a group of people and with all that you still feel like an outsider, like you never really belonged.  I am so tired of feeling like an outsider in so many things, like I am a part of it but always still feeling like I am standing on the outside looking in or standing on the side where I can hear and see everything that is going o/n but I am not standing close enough to really be a part of it or really hear what they are whispering about, I only hear the things that are loud enough to hear and that they want me to hear, I even feel like that around my own family.  I just want to be happy and feel right about everything - life, work and my friends but I am not, I am not happy or satisfied with anything, not myself, not my life, not my marriage, and not my friends.  Something has to change soon....

8/7/2011: So it is 11:00pm and I am listening to my ghetto ass neighbors having a screaming fight in the middle of the street on a weeknight/work night; you want to scream at them to shut-up or call the cops but at the same time the same thing that makes you want to stare at a gory accident is driving me to just listen and wait for the fist-fighting to start, LOL.  So now the fighting has died down and I need to get ready for bed.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Present Day...


I am done transferring all of the blog entries over from my MySpace account and I will now only update this one, to be honest though I have to read it again myself because I don't remember all that was said up until this point and I am still trying to figure out how to configure the Blogger profile so this is definitely a work in progress.  This is my first actual Blog entry since Jul 14, 2009 10:00 AM (My Auto’blog’ography - Part 11).  

Current status:  living in Chicago, Illinois with my wife of almost 12 years now.  I am working full-time and I am really good at what I do but it is not in my chosen career path so sadly it is just a job at this point and I am searching for a better one and one that is more applicable to my skill set.  So after I read through my entire blog again I will return with a new installment.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1
Posted Date: : Apr 19, 2007 10:30 PM
A year ago I went to a company party and ended up sharing a table with my boss's sister and her best friend who just happened to be a reporter.  The reporter spent the night asking me a thousand questions about my life and she actually found it so interesting that she suggested that I write a book.  Well I am not much of a writer and I definitely don't have enough patience or focus for a book.  So I thought about it and I figured that writing a blog would be easier.  So here is where I begin, I decided to start with me and not so much with the first day of my life.  What can I say, I am in my early 30's and even though I have done a lot during the last twenty-plus years of my life, I really don't feel like I have done anything that really matters or that is really significant.  I have always felt like the black sheep, like I never quite fit in, not even with my own family. I have always been a tomboy and I hate asking for help with anything.  I work hard at everything that I do but still I don't feel like I do much of anything at all.  I left home at eighteen years old; I joined the Navy before I even graduated high school, because I thought I needed to get away from my family.  The truth is that I just had to find myself and I couldn't do that living at home.  I am a lesbian and I didn't think that I could come out while still living at home with my parents.  I have always been a daydreamer; my third grade teacher used to call me 'Space-Cadet' and I must admit that I am still a daydreamer.  I love to put myself somewhere else sometimes, just pretend for a little while that I am a different person and in a different place.  Don't worry I have both feet placed firmly on the ground and I know who I am, it is OK to pretend sometimes, even if only in your mind, just as long as you realize that it is just pretend, just a dream, and you always come back to reality.  Sometimes I like to pretend that I can actually sing well and that I can play the congas or the timbares, I love music but I can't do either, I wish that I would have taken the time to really learn though.  I can honestly say that even though I am not totally miserable, I don't feel satisfied or fulfilled with anything that I have done.  I just graduated from college, honors, valedictorian, the whole bit and not even that filled the gap, something is missing, and I just really don't know what it is.  Have you ever felt like you were meant for something greater?  I feel that way, like I was meant for something greater, I just don't know what.  I have always been an overachiever and I love the feeling of when something that I have worked hard at turns out well, not for the attention because I really don't like the attention, I just like the feeling of knowing that I did that and it turned out to be a success.  I guess that I am more of the behind the scenes type.  I like helping people and I like the feeling that I get when I help someone or when I make a difference in someone's life, unfortunately I don't get very many chances to make a difference in anyone's life, I think that I am more of a pain in the ass.  Once upon a time I had lots of friends and I was happy and confident, somewhere and somehow I got lost and I would love to find my way back, not turn back time per say, just reinvent myself in a way that I can get back just a little of the person that I once was.  The truth is that you can't go back, you can't live in the past and I don't want to live in the past, I just want a better future and I want to be a better person than I have been.  I want to be a better wife, a better aunt, a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend; I want to be a better me.  I can't say that I am depressed or anything, I am just not satisfied and I guess that I am kind of bored with myself.  Right now I am looking to move back home to Chicago, at least I am hoping to.  My wife is from Boston and to be fair to her I am job hunting in Boston as well but in my heart I really want to go home, I think it is time.  Where ever I end up I am going to be making some changes, I want to start volunteering at a gay and lesbian youth organization and maybe start throwing L-Word viewing parties when the season starts up again.  I want to be happy, I want to be busy doing something other than just work, and I want to be social, I want to have friends again.  I have never been a very good loner, even though I have always been the black sheep, at least back then I was still in the mix of things.  Well it is time to end this installment of 'Me', its 11:00pm and 'Flashdance' just started on VH1 and I just have to watch.  Something about watching Jennifer Beals welding, stripping, and dancing that I absolutely cannot resist, God she is just irresistible, although I must admit I think that she is much more beautiful now, the years have been very, very good to her.  Yeah well, gotta go, it's the 'Maniac' scene and I absolutely cannot miss this!!  Good night all!

My Auto'blog'ography - Part 2

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 2
Posted Date: : Apr 20, 2007 3:28 AM
Current mood:sleepy
Well, it's almost 3:00am and I can't sleep so I decided to start the next installment of 'About Me'.  I guess this time around I will cover the when I was born part.  So here goes, I was born on what I can only assume was a cold January day in Chicago in 1975, I say this because it is always cold in Chicago in January.  In 1977 we moved to the house that they still live in until this day, the house I grew up in.  When I was eight years old I burned a huge hole in the living room rug, I was this ugly lime green rug, a throwback from the 70's, because I was playing with matches.  My father caught me and beat the crap out of me; unfortunately I tried to cover it up by moving an equally ugly coffee table to cover it up.  My mistake there was that we had a party the night before and the coffee table didn't actually go there so I would have eventually gotten caught anyway, I got caught red handed though trying to stomp it out. I have always been a tomboy; I hated dolls and pretty much stuck to playing sports and kicking the shit out of my brother.  Unfortunately, I was also very accident prone, luckily for me my mom worked at the hospital but I am sure that she got tired of hearing "Maria it is your daughter again!"  In the past 32 years I have had broken bones, sprained joints, scarred the hell out of myself, and I have more stitches than I am proud to admit, to say that I am just a little klutzy would be an understatement.  I had your pretty average childhood I guess, a typical middle class, Spanish speaking, Puerto Rican, devout Catholic family.  My mom is a nurse and my dad was a factory worker and a Catholic Deacon.  My sister was the beauty queen, my brother was the mama's boy, and I was the black sheep (still am), the middle child, and the smart one.  The picture perfect family but behind the scenes my dad was a womanizer and an alcoholic (still is) and my mom was a borderline compulsive gambler (still is).  Me, my sister, and my brother are still waiting for a long lost illegitimate sibling to show up.  My family was typical even in its dysfunction; we couldn't have any kind of family function because it always ended up in a drugged out, drunken brawl between my dad and his siblings.  Me, my brother, and my sister spent literally years beating each other black and blue, we fought until I moved in 1993, I knew we loved each other but for some reason we just couldn't say it or show it.  The ironic thing was that I remember my dad always saying "los hermanos no deben de peliar" (siblings shouldn't fight), it almost felt like that old anti-drug commercial from the 80's when the dad confronts the son about the marijuana that he found and the son said that he had learned it by watching his dad.  I love my dad but he is truly a selfish, self righteous prick!  I was a trouble maker, always getting into fights with the kids around the neighborhood; I was so bad that my mom walked around for years wearing a leather belt around her neck like an accessory. She used to give me these whacks in the head called 'Cocotasos' and I got them so often that she didn't have to aim anymore, I swear it seemed like everyday for at least four years straight and I must admit I earned everyone of them, hell I think I still a have a bump on my skull, LOL.  I close my eyes and I can still see my mom standing there in the kitchen, with rollers in her hair, wearing flip-flops and that damn belt around her neck, God I miss my mom!  I was a Girl Scout and I went to CCD classes and when no-one was looking I played doctor with the guy next door.  I was a real nerd, pretty much a straight 'A' student with perfect attendance, that's how I ended up getting accepted to Lane Tech H.S.  I had this thing, anyone I was ever attracted to almost always ended up being my best friend at some point in my life.  I have only ever had one best friend that I was never romantically attracted to; she was like my sister, right from the start.  Her name is Mary; we hit it off right away and were attached at the hip.  We were kindred spirits and even now we are still the best of friends, I love her more than she can ever know and I appreciate her friendship more than anything.  Over the years, we have separated but we have always managed to come back together, till this day I love her more than anything.  I can honestly say that the eighth grade was the last time that friendships for me weren't complicated, it was comfortable and easy, the year was 1989 and it bought me my first kiss and my first heart break. My first kiss was a dare and my first real heartache was a girl.  Unfortunately the eighth grade is also when my dealing with friends became more hazardous to my health, drugs and gangs.  I was mugged (jumped) more than once but I wasn't shot at until the summer of 1993.  We had an all out race riot that almost cost us our graduation and did cost us all of the graduation perks, no trips or anything.  The only drug I ever used was weed and I was well on my way to being a pot-head, I succumbed to my surroundings, luckily for me I went to the nerd high school and I got away from that whole glorified gang and drug lifestyle.  It is funny to think back and remember how intense everything was for us, it was so real and dramatic, and you don't realize until you are older that it was such a small part of our lives and our world was small, back then it seemed so enormous. That was a very memorable period in my life and the only friend that I have left from that time period who isn't actually related to me is Mary.  Well it is now 4:30am and I have to get ready for work so I bid you all adieu until next time!