My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 1

Posted Date: : Apr 19, 2007 10:30 PM

A year ago I went to a company party and ended up sharing a table with my boss's sister and her best friend who just happened to be a reporter.  The reporter spent the night asking me a thousand questions about my life and she actually found it so interesting that she suggested that I write a book.  Well I am not much of a writer and I definitely don't have enough patience or focus for a book.  So I thought about it and I figured that writing a blog would be easier.  So here is where I begin, I decided to start with me and not so much with the first day of my life.  What can I say, I am in my early 30's and even though I have done a lot during the last twenty-plus years of my life, I really don't feel like I have done anything that really matters or that is really significant.  I have always felt like the black sheep, like I never quite fit in, not even with my own family. I have always been a tomboy and I hate asking for help with anything.  I work hard at everything that I do but still I don't feel like I do much of anything at all.  I left home at eighteen years old; I joined the Navy before I even graduated high school, because I thought I needed to get away from my family.  The truth is that I just had to find myself and I couldn't do that living at home.  I am a lesbian and I didn't think that I could come out while still living at home with my parents.  I have always been a daydreamer; my third grade teacher used to call me 'Space-Cadet' and I must admit that I am still a daydreamer.  I love to put myself somewhere else sometimes, just pretend for a little while that I am a different person and in a different place.  Don't worry I have both feet placed firmly on the ground and I know who I am, it is OK to pretend sometimes, even if only in your mind, just as long as you realize that it is just pretend, just a dream, and you always come back to reality.  Sometimes I like to pretend that I can actually sing well and that I can play the congas or the timbares, I love music but I can't do either, I wish that I would have taken the time to really learn though.  I can honestly say that even though I am not totally miserable, I don't feel satisfied or fulfilled with anything that I have done.  I just graduated from college, honors, valedictorian, the whole bit and not even that filled the gap, something is missing, and I just really don't know what it is.  Have you ever felt like you were meant for something greater?  I feel that way, like I was meant for something greater, I just don't know what.  I have always been an overachiever and I love the feeling of when something that I have worked hard at turns out well, not for the attention because I really don't like the attention, I just like the feeling of knowing that I did that and it turned out to be a success.  I guess that I am more of the behind the scenes type.  I like helping people and I like the feeling that I get when I help someone or when I make a difference in someone's life, unfortunately I don't get very many chances to make a difference in anyone's life, I think that I am more of a pain in the ass.  Once upon a time I had lots of friends and I was happy and confident, somewhere and somehow I got lost and I would love to find my way back, not turn back time per say, just reinvent myself in a way that I can get back just a little of the person that I once was.  The truth is that you can't go back, you can't live in the past and I don't want to live in the past, I just want a better future and I want to be a better person than I have been.  I want to be a better wife, a better aunt, a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend; I want to be a better me.  I can't say that I am depressed or anything, I am just not satisfied and I guess that I am kind of bored with myself.  Right now I am looking to move back home to Chicago, at least I am hoping to.  My wife is from Boston and to be fair to her I am job hunting in Boston as well but in my heart I really want to go home, I think it is time.  Where ever I end up I am going to be making some changes, I want to start volunteering at a gay and lesbian youth organization and maybe start throwing L-Word viewing parties when the season starts up again.  I want to be happy, I want to be busy doing something other than just work, and I want to be social, I want to have friends again.  I have never been a very good loner, even though I have always been the black sheep, at least back then I was still in the mix of things.  Well it is time to end this installment of 'Me', its 11:00pm and 'Flashdance' just started on VH1 and I just have to watch.  Something about watching Jennifer Beals welding, stripping, and dancing that I absolutely cannot resist, God she is just irresistible, although I must admit I think that she is much more beautiful now, the years have been very, very good to her.  Yeah well, gotta go, it's the 'Maniac' scene and I absolutely cannot miss this!!  Good night all!