My Auto'blog'ography - Part 7

Subject : My Auto'blog'ography - Part 7

Posted Date: : May 22, 2007 4:17 PM
Current mood:working

More about me!! I guess that if I were to have to use a word to describe myself it would be 'Thinker' and that is because I think just way to damn much and it is an unfortunate affliction that I have had all of my life.  I analyze the hell out of everything, I daydream, and I dream, I am just always thinking about everything and anything all of the time.  When I dream at night I always dream in movies, I know it sounds weird but I do.  I also daydream a lot, I swear that I should have been a writer or something because I am always thinking up some wild, fictitious scenario that sometimes involve me and sometimes not.  In the 3^rd grade I used to daydream so much during class that my teacher called me 'space cadet'.  One day maybe I will get my head out of clouds but what fun would that be, real life is boring, LOL.

I am very much into watching just about anything involving lesbians, which sort of makes sense considering that I am one but sometimes I can go a little overboard; for example, right now I am trying to watch Seasons 1-3 of The L-Word before Season 5 starts.  My wife is in Boston visiting her mom for the next couple of weeks so I am attempting to watch them all during this period before she comes home because she really isn't into the show and I am on the other side of that spectrum. Yesterday alone I watched the last four episodes of Season 1, now I am going through L-Word withdrawals, LOL.  No seriously I am doing the NetFlix thing so I have to get them watched and then sent back in time to receive the next set.  My wife doesn't like the show because she has something against a bunch of straight women pretending to be lesbians.  I tried to explain to her that 90% of the lesbian movies out there, and just about everyone that we have ever watched together, straight women have played the lesbians.  There just aren't very many lesbians out there that want to play these kinds of roles and it's a shame because I really think that our lifestyle needs to be presented as something normal.  Homosexuality is out there and it is normal, we are parents, lovers, husbands, wives, employees, tax payers, and I truly feel that The L-Word (minus the lesbian drama) is a really good means of presenting us in that light.

I love to be active but I lack the drive and will power to go it alone, my wife is disabled and she just can't be as active as I am and I totally understand and respect that.  I wouldn't mind working out, walking, or playing sports if I had someone to do it with, I know it sounds sad and who knows maybe one day I will get off my lazy ass and find the motivation to be active again.  I used to be really fit and active before and during the Navy but once I go out of the service that all went out the window.  Now I am over weight and I have to admit that my self-esteem is pretty shot because of it.

I spend way too much time doubting myself and doubting the choices that I have made in my life, I know that you can't turn back the clock but oh how I wish that I could.  I wonder too much about what could have been and don't spend enough time thinking about what could be if I only put some effort into it.  The fact of the matter is that I am bored and it is time for a change, I am just afraid that it may cost me my marriage because my wife isn't much for change.  I just want to be more active, I want to go out more, I want to have friends, I want to volunteer, or join some group or team, I just want to recapture just a little of the person that I used to be.  My wife is not into that at all, she has become somewhat of a recluse and she only gets worse with time because most people have a really hard time understanding her illness and her inability to do certain things.  Rather than deal with it, she prefers to stay home and shut the rest of the world out, I just can't bring myself to be that way, I would be miserable and that is part of the reason that I am unhappy now.  I have a total of four non-professional friends in the entire state of Pennsylvania and she would probably say that only two of those four are her friends.  Don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart and I could never imagine my life without her, she is caring and loving but she is also anti-social and a horrible communicator.  I like telling people about my feelings, I love talking to people, and I love listening to people; my wife is not into that at all.  I guess that is why I write these blogs because it has become my way of telling people how I feel and what is going through my head, my wife won't even read them and if she did she would probably go off on me for telling the world my business.  Hey it's not like I am performing espionage and no one is getting hurt so why not, what do I have to hide?  It makes me feel better to spill my guts and to get my feelings out, I find it very healing.  I hate writing anything and I can type my ass off so I feel my blog is the best medium for getting my thoughts out.  Well I guess that I will end this one for now, until next time.