My Auto’blog’ography - Part 11

Subject : My Auto’blog’ography - Part 11

Posted Date: : Jul 14, 2009 10:00 AM
Current mood:hungry

Well it has been forever since I have put any kind of time or effort into my Auto'Blog'ography so I think it is time to add a little something.  I got laid off on April 26th of this year and I am still out of work but to be honest with you even though this is the worst possible time to be out of work in this country, I think in my case it turned out to be a positive thing, I needed some time to think and sort myself out.  My marriage was failing and within the two weeks after being laid off I told my wife that I wasn’t in love with her anymore and that was mainly because for the two years before that we were horrible to each other, it was pretty unbearable.  She was in Boston visiting her family at the time and I had all intentions of waiting until she was home to drop the bomb because I just don’t think that things like that should be done over the phone but unfortunately she dragged it out of me and it happened over the phone.  Why I put up with it for two years you ask, although not the greatest reason but it is the biggest one and it is that I couldn’t bring myself to dump is disabled woman with nowhere else to go, besides she hated the idea of moving to Chicago and she did it anyway because I decided that it was something that I had to do, it was time.  Being home was absolute hell between adjusting to living around my family again, plus she and I constantly arguing but I stayed for over a year and a half of guilt, blame, anger, and bitterness.  Living with my family is still a chore but we are going to be making some changes around here that I think will make it bearable again but I still remain the absolute Black Sheep of the Rodriguez Family and on the plus side my wife and I are much better now.  I think that I went through some kind early midlife crisis and I just needed to work through it in my own time and my own way and now I am happier with myself and my life.  I still need to find a job though and lose a lot of weight before my self-esteem will make any kind of major improvement.  So I shattered my wife’s world while she was visiting family in Boston and now we are piecing it back together again, while she was in Boston we both reflected on our marriage and the lack there of so we both did the same thing but at the end of our individual periods of soul searching and self discovery we ended up on two opposite sides of the spectrum, hers was to fight and change to stay together and mine was to finally end the misery.  Still I promised her that I would try and I did feel that I owed it to her, I owed it to her for the more than nine years that we had been together and I owed it to her for up and downs, for the ‘for better or for worst’s’, for the ‘in sickness and in health’s’ that defined our relationship until this point and I am now happy that I did.  Now we are in couples counseling and we actually enjoy each other’s company, we are best friends again and yes in love again.  Now that I reflect on it, I think that I was actually still in love with her and it was just in the dormant state because of the hell that we had been putting each other through.  I think that now we are stronger for it as a couple and in a way we have learned from it as well, we are better people for having gone through it, we appreciate the good things in our life more and try not to take them for granted.  Now I have to reflect on and fix just me again, I know that I still have to put a lot of effort into making my marriage work and keeping us on the right track but I am now able to concentrate some of that effort on fixing me again.  So now to fix me, there are three primary areas that need to be fixed, I need to finally switch apartments with my sister so that I am not living underneath her boisterous brood anymore, I need to lose somewhere between 80-100 pounds along with some toning, and I have to get a job; I have to do these things and not necessarily in that order but the remodel starts this week, Pennie leaves for Boston again tomorrow for six weeks so that I can get things moved around.  I am finally reconnecting with many of my childhood friends thanks to FaceBook and making some new ones, this summer is the 20^th Anniversary of my graduation from D.R. Cameron Elementary School and we are having a BBQ here at my house, which kind of makes sense because my friends spent a lot of their time here during those years, even Mary and Zenaida are coming and that is a twosome that I never thought in my wildest dreams would be in the same room again.  So for one shining day we will feel like we are 14 again, the difference is that most of them have families and kids of their own and we all can legally drink, although our favorite form of mind altering substance from that period of our lives is still pretty much illegal, LOL.  Maybe we will even take a five block field trip and go by the school again for old time’s stake, who knows what the evening will bring other than food, friends, and reminiscing about old times.  I still say that those years were the happiest years of my life and that those friends were, and are once again turning out to be, the greatest friends of my lifetime.  I am truly looking forward to it but unfortunately they will all have to wait to meet my wife who will still be in Boston during our reunion.  I am starting to not regret my decision to move home because to be honest, other than seeing my mom on a regular basis, I really have regretted moving back home so I am happy that the tables are finally turning for my decision to move back to Chicago and I am starting to think that in the end I didn't screw up my life or my future by deciding to come back here.  Until next time...