My Auto’blog’ography - Part 9

Subject : My Auto’blog’ography - Part 9

Posted Date: : May 26, 2008 8:31 PM
Current mood:bored

Well hello there, I just finished rereading my entire blog because for the life of me I couldn't remember where I left off.  I think that with this installment I will catch you up on the last year of my life before I get back into my past; also I will cover some more stuff from my high school and pre-high school years before I get into my adult life.  I graduated from ITT Technical Institute in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania last March 2007 with honors and I was also the Valedictorian for the school of Computer and Electronics Engineering Technology and so after all of these years, I am still a nerd.  Shortly after graduation I really got into watching the L-Word on Showtime and I have seen every episode, although I have not created any amateur videos based on the series yet. The funny thing is that like 75% of the L-Word is swearing & sex and the Logo Channel is picking up the series, I guess this summer sometime, but Logo cuts out all of the sex and swearing so I figure each one hour episode will be around 15 minutes long on Logo Channel.  I guess that for my sake Pennie is slowing going through the L-Word seasons and she is now ½ way through season 2, and to give those readers who actually watch the L-Word an idea of where she is at this point, Dana is still alive; and she and Alice are still together.  I appreciate that she has the desire to watch and is willing to watch for me and I give her an 'A' for effort.  Pennie and I both got into watching 'Exes & Ohs' on the Logo channel but they have yet to put out new episodes.  Pennie and I moved to Chicago last September and it has been nothing less than an adventure.  I can't say that I am totally happy being back home but I am not miserable either, living at home has been a challenge.  Moving home has confirmed that I continue to maintain my black sheep status, not that I thought my status would change, I guess I did hope a little but I do realize that I am the only one to blame for the way things are.  I know that if I really tried I could be totally involved and supportive with my family and things would be different, maybe one day but not right now.  Lately I have to say that I have been going through something of a mid-life crisis, sad at 33 years old, I know, but that is the reality.  My wife and I have been having a rough time of it since the decision to move to Chicago, things have been hard for us since like March of 2007 but we are still together and trying to work it out.  The truth is we have both changed and some of our priorities and interests are different now, things aren't so bad between us that we can't work it out, I just think that we have to readjust and adapt a bit more to each other's changes.  I also realize that most of those changes have been me, not so much her, but I wasn't happy for a long time and I am just tired of being that way, life is too damn short to be miserable and disappointed all of the time.  So lately I am getting reorganized and reprioritized, I am starting to enjoy more personal extra-curricular activities; mostly amateur video making and watching movies.  I have the videos that I have created posted at a few different sites and if you watch them you can see how I am slowly improving, my best yet I just finished and have already posted. 

I must admit that even at my age I am still a fan of certain celebrities, my wife thinks that I am too old for it but I can't help it, it's just part of who I am.  My most favorite celebrity at the moment and for awhile now is Elaine Cassidy, a lot of my videos are based on her and her characters and I have even joined a few of her FanSites, I must say that Elaine has something of a cult following right now and although not really popular at the moment, with her talent I do see her going far in her career, she is starring in a CBS drama during the midseason called Harper's Island, I have the link to the site on my MySpace page.  Ms. Cassidy is the only celebrity that I can say that I am a diehard fan of at the moment.  I am starting to get more into Katherine Brooks' projects, my latest video is based on her movie Loving Annabelle and I plan to make a couple of more videos using Loving Annabelle clips.  I also plan to redo some of my Elaine Cassidy videos, the ones that I did are OK but they can be so much better now that I have sharpened my skills with the video editing software.

So living at home is a challenge and a serious adjustment after having lived elsewhere for the last 14 plus years and I am afraid that this move may eventually end my marriage, but, in the end, really who knows what will happen.  Pennie is having a hard time adjusting to the dynamics of my family and to the city of Chicago period; she was never really crazy about the move and in all honesty she really isn't into any kind of change and that is all that this last year has been for us, lots and lots of change.   She loves my family and I am sure that they love her; it's just that the transition hasn't been as smooth as I would have liked.  There is still a serious noise issue that we are trying to work through and now we have a dog that has turned out to be more neurotic than we would have hoped, don't get me wrong, we are keeping the dog, she just needs more socialization and training.  There is just this constant tension in the air and I am so tired of it, although on occasion, for little while, it does seem like everything will be alright, I like those days.  A few months ago we invested in some soundproofing foam for the ceiling to hopefully eliminate the noise issue and because it is a big project we have yet to get it started.  Pennie is a very light sleeper, she wakes up for every little noise, if a mouse farts she will hear it and she wakes up several times every night on top of it all.  I just want some normalcy in my life; I am tired of arguing and drama.  Pennie had three simultaneous strokes a few years ago which really sent her health downhill and it has been so much worse since we have been living in Chicago because of her constant stress, the freaky weather, and her almost constant lack of sleep.  There are so many things that I want to get into but I don't have the time or the motivation, I really just don't know how to balance it all.  Pennie is trying to be supportive and patient with me but I am sure she is just as tired of the constant tension and the not knowing where we will end up in the future.  I am now working on my blog again and at the same time I am also working on the amateur videos that I really love to do and those things take away from her quality time with me, I at least try to do them while we are in the same room but I can tell that she really isn't satisfied with that arrangement.  Right now I feel very strongly that I need to be doing these things, for myself and as sorry as I am that it takes away from Pennie's time with me, I am not ready to give these things up, and I may never be.  Since getting out of high school I have put others peoples wants and needs before my own, other peoples happiness before my own, and for a long time I was satisfied with that, I convinced myself that I will find my own happiness through theirs but that isn't working for me anymore.  I am at a point in my life when I feel very strongly that I have to focus on myself more often than I usually do and that I have to stop finding my happiness in other things and in other people, I have to find my happiness within myself and within my own heart.  So only time will tell how my story ends or where I will eventually end up in my life, I just know that I want more out of life.  So until next time, Adios!